nobody..

I feel like I'm not a good mom i don't know what to do.. nothing i do helps me feel better... i look at my son and i feel like i failed him. i wish i had some help.. i need some help but i don't have nobody... my mom cant help cause shes has my mema and her clingy husband and my bother that lives with her so when I'm at her house i really don't get the help I'm looking for.. Michelle { Jessy's mom} cant help cause she has her son Mathew that lives with her and she don't do much her self.. and my husband works 24/7 so I'm on my own and i don't don't know what I'm doing to be honest.. sometimes i feel like i over punishing him then i feel like I'm not doing enough i don't know... it would be easier if maybe i had someone to help me with him or to help me period just some there for me... i feel like I'm all alone like everyone has there problems and don't have time for me... so i try to do it myself make it look like I'm just fine when really I'm not... but since I'm good at hiding my feelings no one notice and it looks like I'm the strong one.... but as you know now I'm not... I'm the most week one of them all... life has hit me so hard and i don't know what to do anymore i just need someone.. anyone.... i feel like i live this like and i don't know who i really am i try to be a good mom but as you can now i don't think I'm that good of one.. i feel like I'm no one.. i used to have friends that i can talk to but since i moved away i have no one and since i got married and had a baby i have lost myself and i don't know how to get me back i try and try but no luck.. i have gained weight i don't look nothing like i used to and i cant stand it i have tyred to loose it but it never works.. i don't have nobody to stand beside me I'm alone its just me and that's hard to deal with.. yes I'm married but like i said hes at work ALL the time and I'm home.. i don't go out cause i have no friends.. i don't think people want to be my friend as I'm now fat.. and it kills me to see my self to i just imagine how it is when other people see me.. i just hate my self and everything that i have become.. i want to be okay.. i want to be the person that i pretend to be but i will never be her.. because that's just not me.. i try so hard to make others happy like my mom and my husband and Trevor so they wont see me hurting cause they are just so happy that they think i am to.. i don't know how long i can take this pain that i have inside of me..i don't want to live this way.. i pray every night that just maybe one day ill feel better about myself but so far that day hasn't came.. i pray more for Jessy then i do myself cause i want him to have a better life then i do.. i want him to live a happy life him and Trevor i don't want them to ever feel alone.. i will always love them and always be there for the both of them even if I'm not here they will always be with me..