just another post..

So Christmas was fun!! Trevor got lost of toys and clothes.. we went down to Jessy's moms and dads for the weekend and had a good time. Trevor is staying with them for the week. when hes with me and he starts to drive me crazy i pray to the heavens for someone to come and take that kid of mine for bout a week... but when hes gone for just a day i miss him like crazy.. i miss him all day but I'm telling the nights hit me the hardest its been 2 days now and i want him back.. but i know hes at his grandmas and grandpas so ill just have to tuffin it out!!
 but my last post is still on my mind i never have typed or wrote or told anybody about how i feel and it feels good to be able to write on here and let it out without letting it out... sometimes i need to do this and i don't i think that I'm stupid for getting on here and writing but then other times it help me alot just to get stuff of my chest.. so how about this for ya i maybe prego.. no one knows and i don't want to tell anybody until i know for sure and i think if i turn up to be prego I'm going to tell everyone on my sons birthday I'm going to get Trevor a tiny Teddy bear and tell him that hes going to be a big brother in front of all my family and i hope it blows over good.. i don't know how I'm going to do two kids i don't think I'm that good at one but everyone tells me I'm a good mom but i just don't see it.. i mean i try yes but i don't think that I'm good enough for Trevor hes such a good kid and hes smart and so mush more that sometimes i think to my self how did i get him?? i must of did something good.. but then i know that i have to be this person that some days i cant for him.. like be 100% all the time and i do try and people think that i can take on alot but that is soooo not true at all but i don't let them know that. i have asked for help before and they tell me that i can handle it so i try to and when i beak down i have to time it right so no one can see... i just wish that people would under stand I'm only one person taking on alot at a young age yes i know that its my fault and it was my chooses that led me where i am today..  but i never thought that i had to do this all alone.. people say u have me no i don't i have nobody.. just me.. i prey to god to help and he does without him i don't know where i would be in this world. he had done so much for me.. and that's how i know i will be able to have another child.. god never gives me any more then i cant handle.. and with him i know i can handle just about anything yes its will be hard yes i will have bad days, bad months. even maybe bad years.. but i will get though them i know cause i have god by my side.. would i like some help from others YES.. that could make life alot easier for me but i know i wont and so i know its going to be hard and some days i feel like maybe i not cut out to be the person the lord god wants me to be but then there are days where i know i can be her!! so today I'm going to pray that if i am prego that he blesses me with the strength to be able to make it though the next day. and the courage to be everything that my kids ,my husband, and god need me to be.. and when i fall i pray that he helps me up cause we all know i will fall many times..

nobody..

I feel like I'm not a good mom i don't know what to do.. nothing i do helps me feel better... i look at my son and i feel like i failed him. i wish i had some help.. i need some help but i don't have nobody... my mom cant help cause shes has my mema and her clingy husband and my bother that lives with her so when I'm at her house i really don't get the help I'm looking for.. Michelle { Jessy's mom} cant help cause she has her son Mathew that lives with her and she don't do much her self.. and my husband works 24/7 so I'm on my own and i don't don't know what I'm doing to be honest.. sometimes i feel like i over punishing him then i feel like I'm not doing enough i don't know... it would be easier if maybe i had someone to help me with him or to help me period just some there for me... i feel like I'm all alone like everyone has there problems and don't have time for me... so i try to do it myself make it look like I'm just fine when really I'm not... but since I'm good at hiding my feelings no one notice and it looks like I'm the strong one.... but as you know now I'm not... I'm the most week one of them all... life has hit me so hard and i don't know what to do anymore i just need someone.. anyone.... i feel like i live this like and i don't know who i really am i try to be a good mom but as you can now i don't think I'm that good of one.. i feel like I'm no one.. i used to have friends that i can talk to but since i moved away i have no one and since i got married and had a baby i have lost myself and i don't know how to get me back i try and try but no luck.. i have gained weight i don't look nothing like i used to and i cant stand it i have tyred to loose it but it never works.. i don't have nobody to stand beside me I'm alone its just me and that's hard to deal with.. yes I'm married but like i said hes at work ALL the time and I'm home.. i don't go out cause i have no friends.. i don't think people want to be my friend as I'm now fat.. and it kills me to see my self to i just imagine how it is when other people see me.. i just hate my self and everything that i have become.. i want to be okay.. i want to be the person that i pretend to be but i will never be her.. because that's just not me.. i try so hard to make others happy like my mom and my husband and Trevor so they wont see me hurting cause they are just so happy that they think i am to.. i don't know how long i can take this pain that i have inside of me..i don't want to live this way.. i pray every night that just maybe one day ill feel better about myself but so far that day hasn't came.. i pray more for Jessy then i do myself cause i want him to have a better life then i do.. i want him to live a happy life him and Trevor i don't want them to ever feel alone.. i will always love them and always be there for the both of them even if I'm not here they will always be with me..

Potty training

Well today was a good day and it came out of the blue it started off me thinking I'm never going to get my son to use the potty and then BAM!! he just went into the bathroom and went poo poo he has NEVER went poo poo in the potty before he would go pee just fine but never POO POO.. i was so happy about it! he just went in the bath room shut the door and did his stuff came out like nothing happen like he has been doing this his whole life he didn't even tell me he did it.. i was speechless hell i still am kinda i just didn't see that coming I'm one happy momma today! i just hope it stays good and he don't go back to using his pull up..

change

Things will never change and i know i should just deal with that but it is hard cause i want better.. i have always been promised things by other people and no one has ever stood by their promises.. so i hate that they even make them and i hate that i fall for them every time.. they don't see what they do to other people and how they hurt me. i try my best to stand by my word cause i know that's all you got in life and if no one can trust you then no one is going to want to be your friend and no one is going to be there for u cause all you are is a lier well that's what way i look at it.. i just wish that they would love me more then they love the lies they tell.. but its my life i guess.. maybe someday he will see what he has done to me in the past is wrong and he will change his ways.. MAYBE.. but until then i will be here for him no matter what and i know that he will see but maybe that day will come when I'm gone when i have took as much as i can handle and i leave then it would be to late i hope he learns it before that time comes..

no job!

What am i going to do now!! i just got word that we are not going to be working this January.. we got bills to pay and no money to pay them i don't know what I'm going to do.. this seems to happen all the time and I'm so sick of it i wish we could get in to a job that no matter what we will be okay.. and one that has him home every night.. this sucks!!

About Me

Hi my name is Barbara Aho I am 21 years old and i live in Montana. I can be very shy or I can be very outgoing just really depends on my mood of the day i know kinda wired but hey that's me.. I got married in 2010 I have been with my husband for going on 6 years now. We have a little boy witch is the light of my life. I love music I used to dance but now I think I look like a dead chicken when I dance so I don't do that to much anymore.. Unless I'm cleaning the house then the broom is my dancing partner.. i love to cook even if it turns out bad its fun but that don't happen often unless I'm making homemade BBQ yeah never turns out good lol.. i can make up something in my head that sounds really good and it turns out better then i thought it would on the plate so yeah i can say I'm a good cook. my mema taught me a lot manly to just go with the flow when it comes to cooking do what u like to do.. i have one brother who is a pain in my butt {all the time} but hes my only so i "guess" i have to love him lol.. my mom is pretty much amazing she does a lot for me when she don't even have to but she has always been there for me ALWAYS.. My dad is dead.. don't feel bad cause he never wanted me anyways.. well that's pretty much all about me.. i don't know why in starting this blog i just want to write about my days they can be crazy with a capital C sometimes.. well that's me i guess ill talk to ya later!!