just another post..

So Christmas was fun!! Trevor got lost of toys and clothes.. we went down to Jessy's moms and dads for the weekend and had a good time. Trevor is staying with them for the week. when hes with me and he starts to drive me crazy i pray to the heavens for someone to come and take that kid of mine for bout a week... but when hes gone for just a day i miss him like crazy.. i miss him all day but I'm telling the nights hit me the hardest its been 2 days now and i want him back.. but i know hes at his grandmas and grandpas so ill just have to tuffin it out!!
 but my last post is still on my mind i never have typed or wrote or told anybody about how i feel and it feels good to be able to write on here and let it out without letting it out... sometimes i need to do this and i don't i think that I'm stupid for getting on here and writing but then other times it help me alot just to get stuff of my chest.. so how about this for ya i maybe prego.. no one knows and i don't want to tell anybody until i know for sure and i think if i turn up to be prego I'm going to tell everyone on my sons birthday I'm going to get Trevor a tiny Teddy bear and tell him that hes going to be a big brother in front of all my family and i hope it blows over good.. i don't know how I'm going to do two kids i don't think I'm that good at one but everyone tells me I'm a good mom but i just don't see it.. i mean i try yes but i don't think that I'm good enough for Trevor hes such a good kid and hes smart and so mush more that sometimes i think to my self how did i get him?? i must of did something good.. but then i know that i have to be this person that some days i cant for him.. like be 100% all the time and i do try and people think that i can take on alot but that is soooo not true at all but i don't let them know that. i have asked for help before and they tell me that i can handle it so i try to and when i beak down i have to time it right so no one can see... i just wish that people would under stand I'm only one person taking on alot at a young age yes i know that its my fault and it was my chooses that led me where i am today..  but i never thought that i had to do this all alone.. people say u have me no i don't i have nobody.. just me.. i prey to god to help and he does without him i don't know where i would be in this world. he had done so much for me.. and that's how i know i will be able to have another child.. god never gives me any more then i cant handle.. and with him i know i can handle just about anything yes its will be hard yes i will have bad days, bad months. even maybe bad years.. but i will get though them i know cause i have god by my side.. would i like some help from others YES.. that could make life alot easier for me but i know i wont and so i know its going to be hard and some days i feel like maybe i not cut out to be the person the lord god wants me to be but then there are days where i know i can be her!! so today I'm going to pray that if i am prego that he blesses me with the strength to be able to make it though the next day. and the courage to be everything that my kids ,my husband, and god need me to be.. and when i fall i pray that he helps me up cause we all know i will fall many times..